Hello, I’m Una, and I am a giant TV whore. Some of you may know me from my Project Runway recaps here on HuffPo, but what you don’t know is that Project Runway represents about 1/25 of the television I actually watch in a given week. I Gleek out, I Break Bad, I go to the Jersey Shore, bitch. And no only do I consume far more TV than is probably medically sound, but I watch it almost exclusively on my iPod nano, since the great tragedy of my life is that my building’s cable box is defective.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve loved the Emmys. I loved them even back when Fyvush Finkle won every effing year for Picket Fences. I love them with a trusting and unconditional love that basically serves as beer goggles for the heart. Sure, they don’t have quite the cache and glamour of the Oscars, and yes, since technically the same people can win year after year they run the risk of being predictable… but we’re living in a glorious, creative time for television, not to mention in a culture that finds nothing silly about watching two straight hours of cameras zooming in on people’s shoes as diminutive orange robots with highly gelled hair chase after them with microphones. Which is to say that if you love bloated, vapid entertainment then you’ve come to the right place, friend.
I live-blogged the Oscars back in March, but if you’re unfamiliar with my style, here’s what you can expect:
Stream-of-consciousness reactions to — and judgments of — anything that appears onscreen, including but not limited to celebrities’ clothing, hair/makeup, obscene levels of tooth-whitening and/or clavicle protrusion, and general demeanor
Completely biased opinions about certain shows and actors
Increasingly drunken come-ons to anyone I find remotely attractive
Basic information about who wins what, usually buried within one of the above
OK, let’s do this. Seacrest, IN:
6:05: Giuliana Rancic won’t let Ryan look at her toes on Shoe-Cam. “I played soccer as a child.” HA.
6:06: Jimmy Fallon says he’s nervous. Ryan calls Jimmy’s wife “healthy.” That’s Hollywood for calling someone fat.
6:07: Giuliana urges viewers to text in questions, but reminds us that E! is a “family show.” Then cuts to the cast of Jersey Shore, on deck to make some commentary. Apparently “family” means referring to intercourse as “smushing.”
6:11: Giuliana introduces the Goodyear Blimp. So… I guess no one has shown up yet?
6:13: Gayest correspondent ever introduces the GlamCam360, which looks like a fashion MRI.
6:14: First “celebrities” arrive: Carrie Ann Inaba and Kelly Osbourne pose in creepy GlamCam360, which resembles one of those vomit-inducing Gravitron rides, only, obviously, MORE FABULOUS.
6:16: Ryan asks Jersey Shore kids some burning questions: “Snooki, you promised to stop drinking… during the day?” Stay classy, Seacrest.
6:17: Seacrest to Jersey Shore cast: “Hopefully someday you guys win an Emmy.” Hopefully, the Mayan-predicted end of days will happen first.
6:18: Ty Burrell from Modern Family gets minimized in favor of Lo Bosworth from The Hills. Ouch.
6:20: Stay tuned for… Kathy Griffin! Man, this reminds me of when The Gutt would be the only person on the Oscars red carpet for the first hour.
6:25: Seacrest has mayor of LA Antonio Villaraigosa and Joel McHale. McHale: “I’m almost as spray-tanned as you are.” Then Seacrest says the secret to his boyish skin is placenta. Who’s handing out the Jell-O shots?
6:27: Artie from Glee tells Giuliana he wants to bang Sally Field. He likes you, Sally! He, um, REALLY likes you!
[Commercial interlude, 6:31: Wait, acai is pronounced "ah-say-ee"? Now I feel stupid. Thanks, Garnier Fructis.]
6:32: Kathy Griffin’s mom tells Ryan he’s evil, but will rescind it for a box of wine. In related news, I will take back any bitchy comment from this liveblog for a box of wine. Celebrities, take note.
6:33: Puck from Glee — Rrrowr. Seacrest makes him admit that his ex-GF keyed his car.
6:36: Ryan interviews Kim Kardashian. “Is that the sex tape one?” asks my dad. HA.
6:36: Ryan gives up early; hands off mic to Kim to interview Lea Michele from Glee. They talk about body glitter. No, really.
6:39: When did Claire Danes start looking like Joan Allen? Seacrest pretends to have seen Temple Grandin.
6:41: Tracy Morgan is in a white tux. YES. “I think he should play Louis Armstrong in a biopic,” says dad. “Put that in your blog.”
6:43: Ryan asks Eva Longoria Parker about Desperate Housewives. I stopped watching last season — is that still any good? Nearby, Lauren Graham is wearing a droopy white and black sack. Oh, Lorelai!
6:46: Sofia Vergara is in a sparkly Carolina Herrera. She looks great, even with a Swarovski skidmark down the front.
6:47: Giuliana has Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt. Draper looks dapper, as always.
6:49: Seacrest has Ricky Gervais, who looks like he’s on a soul patch bender.
6:52: Giuliana’s head is like two times the size of Bryan Cranston’s entire body. By the way, who else wants a Breaking Bad/Malcolm in the Middle mashup? Make it happen, Hollywood!
6:53: Breaking: Christina Hendricks is wearing something possibly made out of Grimace from McDonaldland. With fringed sleeves! Updates to follow.
6:57: Glee creator Ryan Murphy is wearing a teal jacket. (Seacrest: “This is the first of this color tonight… for a man.” NICE.)
6:59: Chris Colfer from Glee looks so cute.
7:00: January Jones is wearing a really interesting cerulean Versace. “How does it stay so stiff?” asks Seacrest. (That’s what she said.)
7:01: Tina Fey predicts 30 Rock will lose everything this year. (Let’s hope so — I love me some 30 Rock but the same winners year after year is a recipe for ennui.)
7:02: Christina Hendricks is actually rocking her dress. The fringed sleeves, though, are distracting. Ryan refers to her boobies as her “two cents.” This is why I love the E! red carpet special, y’all.
7:04: Julie Benz from Dexter looks glam in a white one-shoulder column. E!’s second-string correspondents — a poor man’s Courteney Cox wearing a hideous zebra print and a tiny man in a blue bow-tie — can’t pronounce the word “Emmy.” Good times.
7:09: Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer look sexxxxy in Alexander McQueen. They talk about the controversial naked Rolling Stone cover, calling their genitals “bits.” Cute!
7:11: “Come on over and make me look short,” Ryan beckons to Heidi Klum and Seal. Done and done!
7:13: Mindy Kaling from The Office has a vaguely Mad Men thing going on, with a high bun and cocktail dress. “What inspired your hair?” Giuliana asks. “The movie Up,” Mindy deadpans.
7:15: Giuliana tries to get Manny from Modern Family to hit puberty in front of E!’s cameras. “Any ladies you’ve got your eye on?” she old-lady stage-whispers, leaning in like a drunk. “I’m more interested in video games,” Manny hedges, inching away.
7:17: Ryan asks Neil Patrick Harris how two men can make a baby. The E! is for “Educational.”
7:19: Kyra Sedgwick always looks so awesome.
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