If you read the first installment of The Disney Princesses: If They’d Had Mothers, you already know that the writers at Disney have a secret agenda: to turn daughters into ditzes. Today we’re going to examine Princess Ariel of The Little Mermaid; the foxy redheaded daughter of King Triton.
The film never provides any explanation as to what happened to Mrs. Triton; perhaps in some kind of messy domestic dispute, she was banished, biblical Queen Vashti-style, to another part of the ocean. Maybe she was eaten alive by crabs. Nobody knows. What is clear is that King Triton was clearly overwhelmed at having to raise his 43 daughters and run a underwater kingdom. He lost control of Ariel and let her make terrible choices.
If They’d Had Mothers: Princess Ariel
Ariel spins and dances in her secret watery lair, surrounded by tchotchkies.
“I want to be, part of your wooooooorld…” she sings out.
“Ariel, what the hell is going on,” Queen Tritona enters the room and surveys shelves and shelves of gadgets and gizmos.
Flounder, Ariel’s fish companion, hides in a dark corner.
Ariel turns to her mother: “I want to be where the people are. I want to see, want to see them dancing.” Her eyes are huge.
“Yes, I heard the song on the way in. Did you steal these things? Are you a hoarder?”.
“Mom. I’m in love. His name is Prince Eric and he’s wonderful, sweet, and –”
“He’s human. Human, Ariel. Check behind your hair, do you see those gills? You can’t breathe air. Do you want to die for this man?”
Ariel swims slowly toward the surface of the sea, illuminated by a beam of light.
“I would catch a grenade for him. Jump in front of a train for him.”
“Would he do the same?”
“Mom, listen. I have a plan.”
Ariel closes her eyes and smiles serenely.
“Cosmetic surgery is not a plan. It’s a cry for help and a sign of desperation. No daughter of mine is going under the knife and splitting her fin for a man she spent a weekend with. How are you planning to pay for this?”
Ariel and Flounder exchange a nervous glance. “Well, Ursula and I made a deal…if I give her my voice-”
“Please sweet Jesus no.
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