This just in: the Baby New Year is gay. After a battery of tests, doctors have confirmed that the newborn is, in fact, homosexual. “Statistically, it was bound to happen,” states the former Baby New Year of 2011. “After 2,011 heterosexual years, a gay one had to come along eventually.” Santa Claus could not be reached for comment.
Experts are not sure what will result from this circumstance. Many analysts agree that, for the first time, homosexuals in the United States may be treated as full and equal human beings during the coming year. However, it is too early to tell.
One thing is clear: a gay Baby New Year will make it much harder to demonize or scapegoat homosexuals in 2012. Since it is also an election year, Republican presidential candidates are scrambling to adjust. Hardest hit is Michele Bachmann, who has built much of her political career capitalizing on her stand against homosexuals. Changing her political strategy this close to the election will be difficult. She and husband Marcus have cancelled their New Year’s Eve plans.
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