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Today we learn that the figure we know as Donald Trump has published a birth certificate, which we also learn is not official. As I have long suspected, the Trumpster has finally been exposed. Not only was he not born in the United States, thus rendering his presidential ambitions moot, but he was not born on this planet.
Have you ever wondered why Trump has always refused to show us his forehead, hiding it behind an absurd mop effect of hair? Why, you ask? Could it be that he is hiding his true identity as a Klingon, notable for their wrinkled foreheads and strange speech? Could his frequent expression “You’re Fired!” be misunderstood by us and really be a Klingon order to begin the invasion?
Klingons, we know from Star Trek VI, have lurched perilously close to economic deprivation and environmental ruin. They are desperate to reverse their fortunes and have therefore sent The Donald to Earth to seize control of the White House, with the clear purpose, as Glenn Beck has told us, to turn the world over to Al Queda so that the Klingons can appear to save the planet, only to enslave human

CBS just announced that actors James Franco and Anne Hathaway will be replacing Katie Couric as anchor of the CBS Evening News. “Franco and Hathaway will bring a new, fresh, young, bold, sexy, glamorous, vibrant, hip, edgy, totally in-your-face feeling to the anchor desk,” said CBS Embarrassingly Waning News Division spokesperson Melanie Andells. “Because, as we all know, the news itself isn’t nearly as important as the people telling it to us.”
To prepare for this latest assignment, Franco plans to audit three years’ worth of courses in two weeks at the Columbia School of Journalism, in-between updating an article about anti-retroviral treatment for children with peripartum neviparine exposure for The New England Journal of Medicine and filming a recurring role as Betty White’s love interest on the sitcom Hot in Cleveland.

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Anyone who sits in the Oval Office — no matter what their name or political party — is going to have detractors. As they should, since disagreeing with political leaders is almost the national sport in America, and always has been (sorry, baseball, but political bickering has been around a lot longer). Sometimes criticism of the president is for very principled and deeply-held beliefs. Sometimes, it is just knee-jerk-ism of the first order.
Which brings us to Newt Gingrich, who absolutely personified the mass Republican confusion on President Obama’s Libyan War by being for it, then against it, and then maybe kinda for it again, and

This Blogger’s Books from
Chaos for the Weary
Lee Camp
Satiristas: Comedians, Contrarians, Raconteurs & Vulgarians
by Paul Provenza, Dan Dion

Follow Lee Camp on Twitter:
www.twitter.com/LeeCamp
.

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My new favorite writer: Edgar Allan ME. That’s Charlie Sheen’s latest nom de plume, in case you’re some kind of troll.
Sure, Sheen’s blazing self-confidence is probably the result of hypomania, but there’s a reason it’s so compelling. It’s a word, it’s a catchphrase, it’s a movement, it’s a T-shirt slogan, it’s a way of life, it’s an evolutionary necessity, it’s even a new parenting philosophy. It’s WINNING.
And that’s where, from my new vantage point as a mother, I see Sheen colliding with another recent pop-culture phenomenon: Amy

Hey, baby, how you doin’? Good? Because you sure are lookin’ good, with that brushed-metal finish, and that sassy little cord poking out from behind, a treasure trail to electric pleasures, and those dials smack dab in the center of your dress, teasing me with their simplicity, begging me to turn them from low to high heat.
I hope you’re ready, baby, because tonight you and me are gonna be cookin’ reeeeeaaaal slow.
I’m gonna take a cut of meat that no one would look at twice — maybe a pork shoulder, or a mix of turkey wings and thighs, or if I’m feeling really crazy, a flank steak, that’s right, some rough, raw red meat known for its toughness – and I’m gonna stick it in you and cover it with sauce till you’re almost bursting.
Bursting with flavor that

People! Beloveds! Glenn Beck is absolutely right.
There is indeed manifest glory all around! There is divine meaning, electric significance, cosmic text messaging blasting forth this very instant from all over the world, nay the universe, both negative and positive, radiant and dangerous, Shiva and Shakti, all whirling in a great cosmic dance, from parking space to porn star, Libyan uprising to nuclear meltdown, Wisconsin insult to Indian holi festival to the very first gasping, sputtering breath of Spring.
I am delighted to share this wisdom, this sacred thrust and thrum, with the infamous Glenn Beck! I had no idea the renowned right-wing fudgeball was, like me, also a burgeoning neo-pagan tantrika with a mystical, metaorgasmic, well-caffeinated alchemist edge, studying and practicing and soaking in the universal Spanda, the eternal vibrational wisdom of the ancients.
Is it not amazing? I had no idea the so-called “King of All Semicoherence,” the same portly n’ pungent pundit who recently claimed on his radio show, in some sort of semi-garbled nonsensical half-statement, that the Japan earthquake/tsunami and subsequent nuke meltdown are very likely “a message from God,” and we’d best “buckle up” because we’re in for “a very bumpy ride” because of — well, I’m not sure what. The Clean Air Act? Abortion? George Soros? Our dependence on Japan for some vital iPad 2 components?
Doesn’t

Funny-sounding names for presidential hopefuls are not such a liability after Barack Obama’s success. Otherwise, I’d say “President Tim Pawlenty” has a weird ring to it. And “T-Paw,” as he is affectionately known by supporters, sounds even stranger. Expect a sea of foam rubber paws at the Republican nominating convention.
There is plenty of time for substance later

This Blogger’s Books from
Chaos for the Weary
Lee Camp
Satiristas: Comedians, Contrarians, Raconteurs & Vulgarians
by Paul Provenza, Dan Dion

Follow Lee Camp on Twitter:
www.twitter.com/LeeCamp
.

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The iPhone has turned me into a lot of things — a gamer, an expert texter and the rudest person at dinner. But now it’s trying to turn me into something I thought I’d never be — STRAIGHT!
Exodus International — the most famous organization that claims it can get you out of HomoLand for good — has issued a new iPhone app.

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America dodged the immediate damage of the killer tsunami but a potentially more dangerous phenomenon threatens to wash across our nation. The new political paradigm — concrete intransigency. No quarter asked for — no quarter given. Us versus Them, and Us is

Samantha Bee is a senior correspondent for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. And now, she’s out with a new book: I Know I Am, But What Are You? I talked with her in a Q&A.
How did you get your job on The Daily Show?
I auditioned for the show. I wish it were a better story. I was saving orphans from a burning building and Jon Stewart happened to be one of those

Moammar Gaddafi is a murderous, corrupt, fratricidal terrorist dictator, busy slaughtering his own people and leveling his own cities.

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I know, they WERE, to some degree. It’s just an excuse to string together some of my favorite Beatles tunes and sing them in boisterous jig time to poke a little fun at St. Patrick on his day.

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Students from Trinity College in Connecticut arrived today in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, on a missionary trip to proselytize Arabic people and Muslim devotees to the ways of Irish-themed merrymaking.
The group, “Students for St. Patty’s,” is a student-run organization whose mission is to elevate the recognition and adoption of St. Patrick’s Day around the world.

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“Shenk and Me” is a new web cartoon series about Herb Shenk, an ultra-powerful CEO, and his put-upon assistant, James.

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We’ve tackled Jasmine and Ariel but if there were ever a Disney Princess that needed an intervention, it would be Belle. When I watched this film as an adult, what stood out to me weren’t the adorable songs (“Be Our Guest” is off the hook) or her ridiculously large, ill-fitting yellow dress; it was that her situation is extremely tragic.
Allow me to summarize. Smart young French girl lives in a “provincial” village where she seems to be the only literate citizen. Girl’s father is emotionally unavailable and seems to be a bit A Beautiful Mind if you ask

As much of America emerges exhausted from a winter full of storms and tentatively ushers in spring, Hollywood marks the joyous occasion by debuting the first in a series of contemplative ‘Seasons’ pictures by famous directors. The Coming of Spring, written and directed by Quentin Tarantino, presents four short segments about this restorative season of renewal that interweave into a profound narrative about blood, death, mutilation and the infectious laughter induced by scenes of dismemberment.
The film opens with a visceral, intestine-laden battle between a lion and a lamb, in which the tiny lamb, with one dangling eyeball and its stomach mauled away, emerges ultimately victorious over the lion. This is, of course, symbolic of March coming in like a lion and going out like a partially blinded and disemboweled

This Blogger’s Books from
Chaos for the Weary
Lee Camp
Satiristas: Comedians, Contrarians, Raconteurs & Vulgarians
by Paul Provenza, Dan Dion

Follow Lee Camp on Twitter:
www.twitter.com/LeeCamp
.

read full news from www.huffingtonpost.com

If you read the first installment of The Disney Princesses: If They’d Had Mothers, you already know that the writers at Disney have a secret agenda: to turn daughters into ditzes. Today we’re going to examine Princess Ariel of The Little Mermaid; the foxy redheaded daughter of King Triton.
The film never provides any explanation as to what happened to Mrs. Triton; perhaps in some kind of messy domestic dispute, she was banished, biblical Queen Vashti-style, to another part of the

There was once was a fellow named Newt
Who gave his first two wives the boot
He spoke for the House
While he lied to his spouse
Seems he just couldn’t keep on his suit
Claimed “this country” has caused him to stray
(Though his sweetheart was not Fannie Mae)
‘Twas his love for our nation!!
(Newt, try masturbation)
Boehner’s thrilled that at least he’s not gay
No Georgian would call him a peach
(Pair of marital contracts in breach)
Against Clinton he railed
Contempt blatant, not veiled
He don’t practice what he likes to preach
To the White House he’d like to ascend
Crude behavior he’ll have to amend
He caused a kerfuffle
He’s got to reshuffle
Has affairs to which he must attend
His committee will start to explore
(Were he female, they’d call him a whore)
He sure likes to play
And now he will pray
For a taste of the sweet days of yore
“I worked far too hard!!” he has said
Guess his job was to use his (small) head
His wife suffered from cancer
Divorce was his answer
With his mistress he frolicked in bed
But said mistress (soon wife number two)
Was just one in a very long queue
Good ol’ boy didn’t stay
Yet again went astray
As he slipped out, he bid her “Adieu!”
Deftly moved on to wife number three
(Over two decades younger than he)
Begged God to forgive
Let’s live and let live!
Making proud the gang down on Street “C”
So what, finally, are we to do
(Betcha Bill Maher just might have a clue)
With a guy who’s a pig
Wants the President’s gig
And gets hot for the Red, White, and Blue!

Follow Michelle Schweiger Schecter on Twitter:
www.twitter.com/RhymeEsq
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In the wake of the tragic events in Japan, the Obama administration has precisely defined the period of time one must wait in order to tell jokes about a natural disaster. “‘Too soon’ will now be exactly three months, five days from the time of said natural disaster,” said Humor Czar Morty Woodger. “After that, you can make all the jokes you want. And won’t making people wait just make those jokes even funnier?”
The “Too Soon Memorandum” (TSM) has been rigorously designed by a team of government humor analysts so sufficient time can pass to allow emotional and psychic

Recent political events have finally birthed a new political player, The Republicant Party, the one formerly known as the “The Party.” The new party is hereby announcing itself, with this hot-off-the social media party platform.
Presidential candidates from states formerly or currently owned by foreign countries need to provide verifiable proof that they were born in the Americas.
Republicantism is committed to public funding of private presses to print pink slips for all publicly employed firefighters and police. Republicantism supports private hiring of former publicly employed firefighters and police to secure all property valued over $1M against fire damage and crime. Privately hired fire- and crime fighters can earn salaries no more than fifty percent of their former publicly sponsored salaries.
Public sector employees have pension and health care benefits that are the envy of private sector employees. To alleviate unnecessary envy, therefore, Republicantism is committed to ending public sector pension and health care benefits.
There is no constitutional right to health

Best be vigilant for the inadvertent head butt as the eyes of the world recoil from that crazed leader, besieged in his own Capital, defying reality while obstinately holding onto a tenuous power and attacking his citizenry through a conflicted security force. Of course I’m talking about Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Think a slightly less swarthy Midwestern version of Colonel Qaadafi.
The locals call Madison, Mad Town, and hardly has it ever lived up to that reputation as heartily as in the past