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If there is one thing I hear all the time from women, it is some variation of the theme: “I’m tired of being the one who gives more than I receive.”
The details change depending upon the stage of the friendship, but the implication is always that we are tired of being the initiators, the givers, the schedulers, the inviters and the ones who do the most for the other. We apparently listen the longest, serve most thoughtfully, and show up more consistently. In short, we think of ourselves as the “better friend.”
From all my interactions with women, you’d think the odds are probable that I’d eventually connect with these blessed beneficiaries, these winners in the life lottery of our giving. You’d think that for every woman who gives too much that there would be at least one woman out there who admits getting too much.
Ironically, I haven’t yet met

So many of us search all the time for what really helps when things in life get difficult. Last year I had the honor of interviewing Karen Kissel Wegela about “The Courage to Be Present.” Karen has been a core faculty member at Naropa University for more than 29 years, focusing on contemplative psychotherapy — bringing together Buddhism and traditional psychotherapy. She has a private practice in Boulder, Colo. and gives workshops and lectures nationally and

It is an impossibility to be introduced to a friend. It has never happened.
Being Friendly Is Not The Same As Being Friends
Indeed, you can sense when you may have just met someone you’d like to be friends with, but a friendship it is not… yet. We only meet friendly acquaintances that have the potential to be transformed into

QUESTION
Dear Irene,
My best friend and I had a major falling out 4 years ago shortly after the death of my two-year-old son. At the time I was so deep in grief and my judgment so impaired that I did not apologize for behavior on my part that led to our breakup.
It took me a year to see what I did to contribute to the demise of our friendship. When I did, I wrote a letter apologizing for what I had done, leaving the door open for her response and possibly rebuilding our friendship. She responded but was still very hurt by what had

Recently a new friend of mine had her 30th birthday. In true celebratory style, her friends flocked to Chicago from all over the country to celebrate. There seemed to be guests from everywhere: New York, Boston, D.C., San Francisco, Jacksonville, Atlanta — the list goes on. A chunk of the guests were consultants (my pal just graduated from business school) and have relocated several times in the last five to 10 years.
At dinner on Saturday night, I got to talking to one guest about the difficulty of

QUESTION
Hi Dr. Levine,
I have read most of your posts about needy friends and overbearing friends and annoying friends. I am in a long-term friendship that is so far gone, I don’ t even know where to begin.
My basic problem is that this friend has no boundaries and no one else in her life so she relies on me for everything. I have accommodated her for so long now that it would be hard to just end the

This week I was the recipient of a Barn Raising, but instead of a barn it was my house and instead of a raising it was more of a razing and instead of building a place in which to put my cows, it was more along the lines of preparing the place to try and sell it to avoid The New F Word — foreclosure.
Until you’ve had a chance to see friends in action the way I have this week, you cannot fully appreciate the definition of the word friendship. It is true; when crisis strikes, we find out who our true friends are. Often if a crisis is bad enough, like when there’s a terrible illness or injury or even worse, when a loved one dies, our friends want to rally around — they are wringing their hands, wanting to do something, anything. The truth is that most times, when an accident or injury or illness or death happens, there’s so little for the people who love us, to do.
But in our house-crisis situation, there was not just one thing to do, but about 987 things that my friends not only could do, but they really wanted to

QUESTION
Hi Irene,
Three and a half years ago I left my husband. We divorced amicably and have a collaborative and supportive co-parenting relationship. There was no affair but I met someone while married, whom I started dating after my separation but before my divorce.
In the wake of the separation, I lost my best friend, Maya, of seven years. We had been friends since college and bonded over both being teachers and both having difficult

QUESTION
Dear Irene,
My best friend and I have been best friends since the first grade. Now we’re in middle school. This new charter school opened up and my friend wants to go there even though I’m not and she’s turning into a real jerk.
She’s telling me I should lose weight (even though my doctor says I need to gain weight). She’s wearing a ton of makeup and tells me I don’t have no fashion

QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I haven’t spoken to an old best friend for quite some time. I was the last one to initiate contact after the relationship had become uncomfortable. I decided to stop and see if she would contact me. It wasn’t that I didn’t get a response but I felt like the response was

During the recent “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” reunion show, I watched six heavily-botoxed women hurl insults back and forth for an hour.
“She needs to learn some manners,” Taylor said, pointing at Kim. “You bully me all the time!” Camille yelled at Kyle. “You say things that aren’t true, Camille,” Kyle shot

Whether you’re an actor in Hollywood climbing the ladder for your big break or are a rising star in the business world, you’re sure to learn one truth about success: “It’s lonely at the top.” While it may seem clich, the fact is that successful people in any arena have increased challenges than “regular folks.” Between family and friends treating you differently to your own potentially self-destructive behaviors, success for many is bittersweet. Following are some of the more common perils of success and the solutions to overcome them so you can enjoy the success you deserve.
The Perils
Family and friends treat you differently.
The more successful people get, the fewer friends and family members they seem to have because of jealousy and competition. In fact, for those who are on the rise professionally, the biggest obstacle is often dealing with the responses of others. All of sudden people view and treat you differently, and they act out against

The “In Memoriam” segment of the Academy Awards show is always a poignant moment. This year I watched with particular anticipation as Celine Dion sang so tenderly, waiting for that bittersweet honor to be paid to my friend, actress and Oscar-winning producer, Lisa Blount. But as the segment rolled to its conclusion, it was with stunned disappointment that I realized it did so without her face or name.
In lieu of that inexplicable omission, I offer my own tribute:
Friends made in our twenties resonate in a way that is particular to the decade; an intensity that comes with youth, so full of drive and

Saying NO can unravel a friendship but sometimes there’s no way around it.
Many of us have a hard time saying NO to a friend. When someone’s a true friend, as opposed to a frenemy, you want to help the person out, however and whenever you can. But sometimes requests are too frequent, over-the-top and inappropriate. Here are some tips to help you say NO when you really need to:
1- Don’t wait until you’re fed up
Whether it’s spouse, lover or friend, when you squelch your feelings, you’re eventually going to

The current budget and deficit debate in America is now dominating the daily headlines. There is even talk of shutting down the government if the budget-cutters don’t get their way. There is no doubt that excessive deficits are a moral issue and could leave our children and grandchildren with crushing debt. But what the politicians and pundits have yet to acknowledge is thathow you reduce the deficit isalso a moral

QUESTION
Hi,
I have grown up moving around a lot—five middle schools and six elementary schools to be exact. Always being the new kid conditioned me to meet new people. Once I hit a certain point with friends, I find new ones. I guess I get bored or

QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I am in my late 50s and feel discouraged to discover that all of my friendships seem so fluid. I’ve had very good friends during all the phases of my life — high school, college, work —but after awhile as circumstances change (such as leaving school, moving away, job changes, marriage, etc.) friends that I have wanted to keep and to stay “in touch” with have drifted away.
On my end I have tried to phone, send e-mails, and suggest get-togethers, but each and every time the relationship fades and then disappears. I am wondering if this is a usual pattern with most folks, or am I the exception? I’ve done lots of soul-searching to see if I am the problem, however I don’t believe this is true.
I’ve always been a good friend—considerate and caring. I look around and see others who have tons of issues/problems and they often do not treat friends well, and yet they are still close friends in spite of it and have been for

I happened upon this neighborhood by chance. In late 2006, an e-mail arrived from my then- landlord notifying me that the building was being sold. Still fairly new to San Francisco, I had a few weeks to find a new home. I roamed the neighborhoods looking for the right

Given the relative number of times I’ve encountered the observation, “She never spoke to me in school, why does she think I want to be friends on Facebook?” the karmic threads of Facebook and its effect on the collective conscious are compelling. Apparently a culture-wide blast-from-the-past sentiment, that question has been crooned, so to speak, into song. At the end of last year it was reported that 20 percent of divorce cases cited Facebook as a catalyst in the relationship’s demise, another factor spoofed in a Net-famous skit [1]. It’s fair to say that Facebook has catapulted digital interpersonal relationships to a new high, or low, as the case may be, but why? And how can it be a tool for spiritual growth?
In the year and a half that I’ve been on Facebook, several people have remarked that the utility unexpectedly reopened old wounds, and in some cases, caused new

For many women, Valentine’s Day means much more than hearts, chocolates, and roses. The affection they feel on that day extends beyond lovers to their close friends and relatives, too.
Whether you celebrate Valentine’s Day or the Da del amor y la Amistad (Day of Love and Friendship)—as do many Latin Americans—February 14th offers a perfect opportunity to show affection for close friends, who add so much to our lives.
Since even the strongest of friendships needs to be nurtured, here are 7 ways to let your closet friends know how important they are to you on Valentine’s Day (or any other day of your choosing):
1) Say it in words. Call her or write her a card, note or email telling her just how much her friendship means to you. After all, Valentine’s Day gives everyone license to act a bit more affectionate than usual.
2) Remind her

I was sitting with a plastic cup of Cabernet and flipping through a magazine, waiting for my oldest son’s soccer game to start (cocktails are served on the second floor of the facility with a great view overlooking the field. Score.) Within a few minutes, my ex–and father of my eldest–arrived with his wife, who he’s been married to for six years. Soon after, we spotted my ex’s mom and step-dad on the lower level and waved them up. Somewhere during the first half of the game, my husband showed up with our 3-year-old

QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I’ve had a great best friend for about 6 years now. We were always depending on each other, hanging out together practically every week. She’s been in a new relationship for about a year now and doesn’t want to hang out with me. She says that she wants to be selfish and focus on herself, but I see her hanging out with his friends and other people.
That’s

QUESTION
Hi Irene,
My best friend since first grade has an obvious crush on my husband. She would never admit it outright and would be hurt if she heard me say it. My husband has asked me to end my relationship with her because it makes him feel uncomfortable.
My husband is really my best friend and we’ve been married for 15 years. People have tried to hurt us in the

Today is my birthday, but I woke up thinking about another birthday, nearly six years ago. It was the 40th birthday of my dearest friend — my ex-husband, Jon, who was, at the time, still my husband. We had been separated for five months after 13 years of marriage (and 14 years of couples’ therapy, but that’s another story).
I was throwing Jon a small celebration for our closest friends – people who had been with us every step of the way along our